DarkRoseDamael

Am I not human? Am I not allowed to feel what others take for granted? Am I not allowed to love, to date, to feel special again? Just because I went through what I did does that make me incapalbe of emotion? I want to love. I want to be free, I want him to break the chain you have placed me in. He understands me, where so many have not cared to try. I'm just a broken little girl that longs to be posessed, to be held, to be told that I'm ok with all my jaged little peices. So fragile, so very fragile. And none of you see it do you? You don't want to. You want to believe that I'm this iron wall that the evil of my past can't get through to.

but really I was broken long before he placed his hands on me. And now, when I crave the affections of another, you deny me this. Carnal pleasure come naturnally to all humans, why must you think desire has left me? I don't want to be your doll. You don't even see how many peices that you have broken inside me. You shelter, portect, deny, and it is killing me. You can put me in your little cage with all its chains. I can't me the obdient little bird you want me to be. I can't and I won't change who I am. you told me once that if you could you would change me, how dare you. I change for no one, for no reasons but my own.

If you continue to try and put me into your cage of what is normal for you, I'll come to hate you. Maybe he's not the one for me, maybe this will all end in a few months, but for now, I'm happy. Was it who it is? was it finding out?

When did I stop looking at him as a friend? When did I start looking at him as a man? I don't know. I'm not even sure if I understand it. I haven't the words to explain even half of it. I haven't the tears to show you the lonelyness. This house, the people IO know, family, I can't coulnt the night that I have wished that I were dead, but there was always something that kept me going. Even if I don't understand it, it's there.

I feel so alone. I have so much going on right now. I hate life. I can't stand any of it. Nathaniel hats Anthony, I guess he has a right to, but Anthony makes me ahppy. But I don't want to lose Nathaniel. He is my lover, and sometimes the only one that cares. Why can't I just have something good go right? For more than just a few months? Is that the only happiness that I am allowed? Only a few months worth? I have so many headaches nowadays that I just want to gouge out my brain. I'm just so sick of Everything!

Things are changing. Lex hasn't needed me that much lately. I'm scared. I don't want to leave. I like it here. I like alot of things about living. Where am I going to go if she doesn't need me? Am I just going to fade away? God, I hope not. I love Lex' I want to always protect her. I don't want to let her go. I don't want her to let Me go. She's been changing too. It's hard to explain what's going on but she don't feel anymore. Sure she can laugh and smile and talk like normal but inside she doesn't feel. It's like all her serious emotions are gone. She doesn't love. Not even me. Sure she says she does, but she doesn't 100% love anyone. She's afraid, I know she is. She doesn't want to be hurt like when her mother died.

Hey, Lexie is starting to scare me. I know how she feels, but I don't want her hurting like this. Her pain hurts me too. Don't those damned mortals know what this is doing to her? She hasn't liked someone in so long. I was starting to think that she wouldn't like anyone like that again. Then she met this Mike guy and she really liked him, she also likes this other guy David, but Mike is different. I don't want her taken from me but maybe he will understand me too and something can be worked out. I'll be damned before I let Lex' go with out a fight.

I want to cut again. I want to sink the sharp metal deep into my arm and enjoy the pain and watch the blood leak out of the wound. I want to slit my wrist and see if I die. I can't take my life, I know I shouldn't complain but I can't help it. If it's not one thing it is another. I can't stand it anymore. I finally like someone and I can't going out with him. Just because he's Trans and 30. Why doesn't anyone want to see what I see? Someone that understands me. Who wont push and will treat me well and respect and take care of me.

i started my job. i am working at Dunkin' Donuts now. eh, its ok. i really need money for animeboston so yipee! i got really nothing to say. im tied and dont have work until friday. ppl really like my Fayt/Albel fic and i am really happy^^

im at denies' house playing on her laptop. im so tired but i dont want to go to bed yet. iu really like it here. its quite. i like quite. i saw brokeback mountain today and i really loved it. ya i know that i am suposed to edit the entries before i post them but i am way too tired to care. i've been thinking alot about the masochist thing and the more i think the more i realize that that is what i might be. or at least a sub. that i know i am for sure. well i feel like i am going to pass out time to get off.

Ok so I feel like shit again. I hate everything and I really want to just go away. I want to go some where that I don't have to worry about what people know about me. Or if this shit is going to happen again. I can't stand it. I really can't. When will it end and I can have a life? 'Cause what I got right now, it can't be called living. I am. That is all it is. I'm just here. I've been doing not so good in school but I don't even care anymore. Why should I? I don't see the point anymore. Yeah I want to be a writer and I know that you won't get published if you don't go to collage or have some kind of experience. How can I care about school when I don't even care if I live to see tomorrow? 'Cause I don't if I wasn't a wimp I would just jump off a bridge or something. I've heard that you're only given as much suffering in you life that you can handle. Well someone up there sure fucked up, big time. I've had more than my share of suffering.

I have been meaning to talk about this for a while now, but I know it is true now. I'm a masochist. I scares me to think of myself as that, it's the same feeling I got when I knew that I wasn't total straight. I know it's true, I have joked about if before but I never dreamed that it would indeed be true. I know it isn't right for me to get off on hurting myself, but I love the feeling of cutting. I've been reading a little about it and they say that it is normal. As I read I also think I am slightly, sadistic. Not in the way I like to make people suffer, but I like to read about it. And the shows that I like are not normal for someone to enjoy, they are meant to pull at your heart but a lot of times I enjoy it. Why does it have to be me? I already know I want to be a guy but now I am also a fricken masochist, God help me.

Ok I'm sitting here, it's only nine thirty, my hands are freezing, my shoulder is killing me, and I am bored out of my mind. I am talking to RaeRae though. I am so happy that I finally got to talk to her. Now if only Garney would talk to me. I don't know why my shoulder keeps bothering me so much but it is. RaeRae is really nice. I hope she goes to animeboston sometime so I can met her, I would love that. I'm feeling better tonight, though I am dizzy again. I've been getting dizzy latly and forgetting things that I do, though that is probally just me being an air head. Nathaniel talked to me last night, I don't remember too much what it was about but he was pissed at Karl. He wants to hurt him, and I am scared that I might let him. I want him to hurt, to break his mind like he did mine. Nathaniel could do it too. All he would have to do is pretend to be me and tell him that I hate him and he would break. I know he would, and I want him too more than anything.

WhtHairdHelRasr: i wanna cut.....
Tara2: dont you dare
WhtHairdHelRasr: i wont but i want to
WhtHairdHelRasr: once you do it i guess you always have the urge
Tara2: yeah..
WhtHairdHelRasr: or im a mascotsit
WhtHairdHelRasr: cant speel it
Tara2: *huggle*
WhtHairdHelRasr: im not getting better, i wont will i?
Tara2: i dont know...maybe you will. have you talked to sandy about it...you might need medication to help for awhile.
Tara2: everyone keeps telling me you'll get better
Tara2: but i'm worried
WhtHairdHelRasr: i know me im not tara these thoughts are getting worse. i get them at night sometimes. they are gettins stronger.
Tara2: yeah i would get some medication it sounds really serious...i would be mortified if something happend to you Kendra i'm really worried about you.
WhtHairdHelRasr: i know you are and i hate to worry you lie this.
WhtHairdHelRasr: oops
WhtHairdHelRasr: like*
Tara2: yeah. have you told your tharipist about these thoughts?
WhtHairdHelRasr: not yet i
WhtHairdHelRasr: dont reallt talk much
WhtHairdHelRasr: really*
Tara2: yeah. you should try telling them, if not, i'm here for you too. i promise unless i'm horrified your going to hurt yourself i wont speak a word to Nelia or Sandy.

I feel helpless again. I don't know why. I was fine a little while ago then I suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to want to die.I broke out crying because something happened to my amv, and it kind of when from there. I get this feeling often, I haven't felt it in a while but it was strong this time. I worry tara and I know it but I don't know what to do.

Karl signed the 30-day notice. I hate him, yet I don't. He is not a bad person, he just makes bad choices. I want to go away, I don't want to deal with the trial, or everyone. If I hear the word 'strong' used to describe me one more time I'm going to scream. No one understands! I want to tell them all to fuck off and get out of my life.

I'm using the digital camera that I got for Christmas to take pics of the basement, looking for ghosts. I think that we found something. There is an orb in one of the pics and that is one of the most common sign of a ghost. It's creepy.

Yay it was Christmas today. Last night was Hell. Me and Nelia were watching a movie and Mommy was yelling at us to go and help her clean, and we kept telling her that we wanted to finish the movie first. And when the thing was almost done nelly walked out of the room and started yelling at Mommy and Mommy was yelling at her the nelly ran into the basement crying. When I came downstairs to find her she was on the floor crying. I don't really remember too much about what happened after. I remember apologizing for ruining their Christmas, 'cause I felt like I had. Then I broke down crying. Mom's yelling sounded just like when Karl used to yell and I couldn't take that.

Mom left during the time that I was crying in nelly arms. Then Nate came down and yelled that it was all our fault that mom left and I don't know why but I couldn't take hearing that. He didn't mean what I comprehended it as but I collapsed again and started crying. I could take the fact that I had ruined someone else's Christmas. After that I just kind of sat in the basement and rocked back and forth saying 'make it go away.' I don't know why but I was hoping that Nathaniel could do that. That I would just fade away and not deal with what was going on. But that didn't happen. He ignored me, I didn't really know at the time if he was even listening to me. I don't know if he was.


Anyway I was downloading a whole bunch of Fruits Basket Amvs. They were amusing and I liked a lot of them. Am re-in love with the show.

I am listen to 'We belong together' I really love this song. It sad and depressing if you think about it. the lyrics and everything. It's a good song if you break up with some one and want to go back out with them.

I just got back from my aunt's house. I had fun, I guess. I hung out with my cousins for a while but I mostly hung out with the adults. It was fine until they started to lecture me. For some reason I started to get frightened, and Nathaniel got upset. He didn't like that they had caused me to get scared. He doesn't like anyone that makes me scared. I told he that it was all right, I really don't know why I felt that way. I don't like it when people lecture me, so I guess it was that that made me scared.
It's nice to know that I'm not crazy. Thinking that way doesn't make you feel so great. I'm tired. Stayed up too late last night. Tomorrow is Christmas. Doesn't feel like it, probably 'cause I don't really care. It's not really a big deal, yea the stuff is cool but it's not so great if you are not religious.
Am watching a Hiei/Kurama amv... It makes me happy. I love the two of them. They are so cute together! It is my favorite pairing. Besides Ryou/Bakura. They are so hot, but Hiei and Kurama are hot too.

Ya I'm going to my aunt's today. Gonna spend some time with the family. So I talked to my therapist yesterday about Nathaniel and some of the things that has happened to me. She asked me what I was like. And that got me thinking. What am I like? I'm not sure. I'm confused a lot, I'm starting to like myself more but I don't know who I am. I'm me.... I'm a frightened seventeen year old who wants to find a way to forget all this and hide some where. I don't like facing my problems, I would rather run away and hide from them, or pretend that they never happened, than to face up to them. I'm to weak and frightened to really want to fight this. I just really want it over with.

Nathaniel is worried that now that I told Kim about him that she's going to try and make him go away. I told him that I would never do that to him. He's helped me with so much, I would never abandon him like that. I don't think that I could get rid of him, even if I tried. I mean, he's been around for so long I don't think that I would even know how to get rid of him. He is easier to hide behind anyway. And as long as all this is going on I'm going to keep trying to hide.

Everyone keeps seeing this strong, unafraid, detached me. And I really am not like that. I'm sheltered. Nathaniel has been trying to keep all this pain from touching me, but it still get through and that's why I want to hide. I can't take that kind of pain. Beat me within an inch of my life, I could take that, no problem. But emotional pain I would rather die than go through as much of that as I already have.

I felt so bad when Karl was trying to make me look like whore but saying I had been sleeping with Tara. He kept saying that just because I was going out with her that I was sleeping with her and I wasn't. We only ever kissed. And then because of the baby and what Karl was saying and that I was afraid I broke up with her. I regret it now. But there is nothing I can do. She has a boyfriend now.

I'm talking to a friend about Nathaniel. I wonder what he will think about the whole thing? My head hurts again, it seems that I always gets headaches nowadays. Too much thinking I guess. I wonder if posting in my LJ is helping me? Like relieving my feelings or something like that. I don't know. I think it is. I've been happier since I started updating and putting down my feelings. So maybe it is helping me. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, too. I like my therapist. She's really nice. I don't talk too much in the sessions, but that's not my fault. I don't know what to talk about. I'm not the kind of person that can just pick a topic and rant about it and how my life sucks and everything for an hour. Well, I could if I was asked about it. Then I would rant if I wanted to, or felt like it. Like I rant on here. I just sit at the computer listening to my theme and type away. Or I listen to 'Dolphin's cry' that's one of my favorites too. Oh! I just remembered that I am going to my aunts on Friday. I'm going to be spending the night at my aunt April's house. I don't know them that well, cause the family isn't always talking to one another and fights do happen among family. I like my cousins. Me and Kenny get along with them really good. We like almost all the same things. I can't wait, I'm going to bring Karaoke. I want to see them play it, that will be amusing. My hands hurt and they are cold. Nathaniel is bitching at me to go to bed, 'cause I've got that doctors appointment in the morning. But I am waiting for my friend to reply and tell me what he thinks about me and Nathaniel. He doesn't think that I am crazy, so that's good, right? I don't know. Sometimes I think it would be interesting to be legally insane. I don't know why. So don't ask me.

I'm feeling really good today. Played some DDR earlier, had my session with my tutor. I have a doctor appt. tomorrow. I'm hoping I can go back to school after the break. I've been so bored. Nathaniel hasn't been bothering me. He was only out for about as long at it took him to post. Then he went back into his Soul room, which I really didn't mind at all. I wish Sarah hadn't said anything about that Man, but what can you do? It's past now. Nathaniel really hates him, as do I. He hates it that he couldn't protect me from him. He wanted so bad for me to say something to someone but I wouldn't. He wishes he could have gotten me to talk about it to someone. I feel bad about making him hate himself so much but what could I have done? I wasn't going to let me and my brother be separated. I need him so much, and he knows that I do. I always will.

Why do I have to be this scared little girl? I know I'm not strong, I know I'm weak, what more do they want? I've put up so many walls that I don't even know how weak I really am. I just know that I have to be really weak inside to have so many walls. I don't want to let them down, I don't want to be pitied by others who can see just how weak I am. How did Lane survive this? I don't know if i want to...or can. I need someone to save me. Like Victor saved Lane. But there is no Victor in my life. I don't even have anyone that I would even look at like that, except for Tara, but she has a boyfriend and I don't think she could be as strong as a person that I need. i think like me she need someone else to be strong for her. I don't want to be strong for a moment longer. I'm sick and tired of hearing how strong I am. Doesn't anyone realize that I don't want to be strong?! Cause I don't I really, really don't.

Lexie went away. all her stupid friend had to do was mention that Man and she was gone. She found her perfect theme song: 'bed of roses' by mindless self indulgence. By the way I am Nathaniel I'm sure that lexie has talked about me before. If not oh well, I'm here to talk about myself now. I've been with Lexie for almost three years. She created me not long after her mother died. Wish I could be myself around mortals. I hate having to be Lexie. I'm not her anymore. She wants to go away, I want a body of my own. If we could just figure out how to get her to go away then we will both be happy. She wouldn't have to deal with her life and I could leave this crappy city and go some where fun. Like LA or some place like that. That would be so cool. I could turn Lexie's body into a man. It's not like she is going to care. She all ready want to be male. I wish she was. things would be so much easier, and more comfortable at that. Her damn friends annoy the fuck out of me. Why can't they tell the diffrence between me and her online?! Is it that hard? I don't talk like she does. I don't like talking online too much anyway. I don't get any of this. Most of the time I hate the girl, but then all I can do is love her. It's messed up. I hate her but the fucked up part is that I hate myself even more. We are the same person, but we are not. I'm a made up person in her head yet I'm not at the same time. I just don't get it. I want to say that yeah I'm made up and that I'm not really, but Lexie needs me and that's why she still pretends to be me. That is why I am still here. Pretty pathetic reason, huh? I just dion't get anything right now.